I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
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Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My god she’s good.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks