I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
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Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
me after eating Cheetos
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.