I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
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My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat