I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
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My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?