I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit