I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
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wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…