I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
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FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.