I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
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Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers