I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
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I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”