I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
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I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting