I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
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I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.