I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
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It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
*power walks to the refrigerator*
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There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount