i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
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Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I have two kinds of followers
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
🤣🤣🤣🤣