I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

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#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff


Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.


My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.


Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.


Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”


Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.


[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.


I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.


I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.