I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
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You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.