@FredPollack
@TheTweetOfGod I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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@TheTweetOfGod 
@RiotGrlErin me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
@squirrel74wkgn 2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
@Amusitr0n [leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
@tylerschmall Employees must applaud the planets.
@jngraphs I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
@GrantTanaka Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
@UnFitz Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
@pleatedjeans [couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
@Marcmywords2 LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.