@FredPollack

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

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@TheTweetOfGod

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

@RiotGrlErin

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

@squirrel74wkgn

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

@Amusitr0n

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

@jngraphs

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

@GrantTanaka

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

@UnFitz

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

@pleatedjeans

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT