I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
You Might Also Like
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?