I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
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Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”