I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
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I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
starting a garage orchestra
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.