I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
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Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.