I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
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the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
How about I get 100% off by already being there
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Twitter fine art
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.