@TheAlexNevil
@Overdue_Bills Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
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@Overdue_Bills 
@deephora_ If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
@iamjohnsarris I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
@Mr_Mike_Clarke Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
@UnicornSyrup “I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
@5hael This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
@WoodyLuvsCoffee I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
@TheAlexNevil My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
@zachary_lampley Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
@msdanifernandez If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”