@TheAlexNevil

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

You Might Also Like

@Overdue_Bills

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

@deephora_

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

@iamjohnsarris

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

@UnicornSyrup

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

@5hael

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

@TheAlexNevil

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

@zachary_lampley

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

@msdanifernandez

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”