I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
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*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”