DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here