@ilovepie84

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

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@msdanifernandez

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

@n0tblonde

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

@WilliamAder

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

@iMikosnyc

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

@Playing_Dad

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

@OutOfLeftField_

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

@writerPT

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

@mydmac

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

@UncleDuke1969

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

@wolfpupy

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here