@gitson_shiggles Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
@ilovepie84 I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
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@gitson_shiggles 
@JimGaffigan “Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
@BrittyHellFire After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
@TheRolo *UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
@Quartzjixler Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
@UnFitz I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
@bewgtweets Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
@ashmensch If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
@TuSoonShakur Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
@E_lok44 My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.