@ilovepie84

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

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@JimGaffigan

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

@TheRolo

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

@UnFitz

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

@bewgtweets

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

@ashmensch

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

@E_lok44

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.