I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

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DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point


If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.


Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.


It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.


Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others


I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.


If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.


I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.


I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.


hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here