I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
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Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Inside you there are two wolves
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy