i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
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me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
next level snooze
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Every time my phone rings
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.