I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
You Might Also Like
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you