I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
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Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
A small tragedy.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*