I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
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me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate