I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

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Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.


Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or


Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.


Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.


My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail


wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous


I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,



Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.


my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)


[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what