I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.