I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
You Might Also Like
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.