I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

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Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later


You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.


Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.


Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies


Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.


ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]


my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom


Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.