I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
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What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.