I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
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Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Only Americans understand
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict