“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
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*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.