I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
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Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
A friend sent me this.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school