I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
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*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Attacked by a mop.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg