[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
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When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
got so much cardio in today
Cause of death: Zumba
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion