I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.