I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
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*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.