I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
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It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.