I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
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Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.