I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
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Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Batman v Dracula
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I think I’m having a stroke
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Erm…
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.