I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
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If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
This kinda thing happens to me often
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Spell check is for lasers.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Oh we’ve met.