I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
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Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
#MeanwhileinCanada
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Same post same
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.