I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
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Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”