I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
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If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz