I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
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Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”