I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
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me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are