I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
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I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.