I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”