I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
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[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know