I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
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A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…